Confusion
by MixedBreedMaiya
Summary: What happens when Kathryn Janeway loses her memories, her past, and thus herself? Can the efforts of her loyal crew bring back the Captain they know and respect? Bit of JxC
1. Chapter 1

Ta-dum! This is a Voyager one-shot fiction. To help you understand what's going on, think back to the episode "Riddles," where Tuvok loses his memory and the such. Something like that has happened to Kathryn Janeway, and she needs a bit of help from Chakotay.

**Special Thanks:**

**God, for my sweet talent and passion for writing**

**Paramount, for the awesome series. This is to show you how wrong you were about C/7...**

**Liz. Omigosh, you're great. You and me, with our Voy-talks. And not only in my writing, and in Voyager, but you're just a great friend and I hope we stay that way always.**

**All my readers - you're all so great. Thank you SO much!**

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As he walked in, their eyes met, and he felt that something was very, very wrong. She wouldn't have just gone and attacked someone. No matter what had happened to her, that wasn't the woman he knew. Something was wrong.

"Hello, there," he greeted her, standing before the forcefield, hands clasped behind his back. There she sat, plain as day, her auburn hair brushed neat and trim, and her uniform the same as always. The same he knew.

She merely looked at him, an expression of frustration, of anger clear in the blue grey eyes he could read so easily. Or so he thought...So he had been able to do, before it had happened to her. Why? Why had it happened to her?

"What happened?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" Her tone of voice was as sharp as a blade, and he felt as though the edge of it had cut right through his heart.

"You know what I mean. Why did you attack that man?"

"Because he got in my way."

He shook his head. That wasn't right. It wasn't her, he knew it wasn't her. "That wouldn't have been enough to justify a hard punch to the jaw. You nearly broke it, you know."

She scowled. "It would have served him right. He knew about this! He knew that I--" she stopped, and something flashed in her eyes as her voice calmed a little. "...That I couldn't remember..."

He watched her, his expression softening, almost melting. "Kathryn--"

"Don't call me that. You know that's not who I am. You're as bad as that idiot...I am not his Captain." She looked away, glaring at the wall.

"That is who you are. I know you're confused, but even so, the woman I know wouldn't let this stop her."

"In case you havent noticed, Commander, I'm not the woman you know." Her voice thickened. "Not anymore...She's gone."

He walked a step closer. "I don't believe that."

"Then you're a fool."

Chakotay shrugged a bit. "Call me what you will, that doesn't change who you are. 'A haircut doesn't change the head its on. The make up doesn't make the girl.' That's what you said to Seven of Nine. When she denied her humanity. It's the same thing here, Kathryn. You _are _Kathryn Janeway."

"Not anymore," she repeated. She stood, starting to pace around in the little square of Sickbay she was fenced into.

"Why not?"

"Because...Because I don't remember it, alright!" Her voiced rose a bit again. "I don't remember anything about my life before. And for the past few days, I've done nothing but eat, sleep, and breathe my own history. But it hasn't helped anything. I'm still...no one."

"Hardly...You're still a human being, you're still the woman we've come to respect, and love with deep devotion. Is that 'no one'?"

"But I _don't_ _remember it_!" she insisted.

"So? I don't remember my own birth, does that mean it never happened? That it should be disregarded, because _I _have no memory of it?" He frowned. Where was the Kathryn _he _knew?

This had been such a cruel thing to happen to her. It would be hard on anyone, but...She had lost so much. So many things she had done, people she had met and learned to care for.

"That's different, it's not an entire lifetime. Thirty-six years worth of events and feelings, and I can't remember a single one." She stopped pacing to stare at him, standing parallel with him. One might never guess there was an electrified barrier between them. "You told me...That four days ago, I was in command of this ship. Voyager's own infamous Captain Kathryn Janeway."

"Yes..."

"Just look at me now." She spread her arms out and backed up a step. "A fine Captain I am, right? A good example, right? Stuck behind a forcefield in what used to be my own Sickbay, walking the fine line between sanity and insanity, ranting at her first officer? I don't know who I am!" she said.

He watched her, letting her continue with her passionate speech, as he crumbled inside. This incident was forcing the reality upon him; Kathryn simply wasn't Kathryn right now...But such an extraordinary woman. She couldn't be gone forever.

She went on, unaware of his thoughts. "I don't even know what I am! I'm not a human being anymore, because I don't remember what it means _to_ be human. I don't remember how they're supposed to act.

"I don't remember my favorite color, or my hobbies. I don't remember my friends, my family. I don't remember Earth, or the Alpha Quadrant. I don't remember the Borg, or...or 'Species 8472' as you like to call them. I don't remember the Caretaker, or anything about these last six years!"

Her voice was rising steadily, desperately. She was crying out for help behind those words, but he didn't know how to reach her. She didn't remember him, either.

"You say I'm supposed to be the Captain! But what good is a captain with an identity crisis? Just tell me what I'm supposed to be!" she shouted at him, her voice ringing for a moment in the sickbay.

He watched her sink against the wall with what sounded remarkably like a sob, and she slid down against it until she sat on the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest. There she sat, and he knew she was crying. Her body was shaking, and he could hear her gentle, desperately confused sobs. And it broke his heart.

"I-don't-know-what-I-am," she repeated brokenly.

Chakotay lowered the forcefield, and went to crouch by her side. "I know," he said gently, close to her ear. "I know, what you are. You are this crew's strength. You are a human being. You are still a form of life, though maybe a little confused. And..." He turned her head toward him. "You are my closest friend."

For a moment she just watched him, not moving. But then, she leaned her forehead on his chest, and squeezed her eyes shut. He put his arms around her, and held her as she cried.

_Oh, Kathryn..._

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I am now continuing this fiction - thank you so much for all the encouragement!


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, what do you know, I continued it! Thanks for the encouragement.

Janeway: You should have deleted it...

...o.O None. Of my muses. Like me. Except Kenshin.

Janeway: Because you make their llives miserable.

Because I love them. Let's go.

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"Ring any bells?"

"No."

"Nothing at all?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"N--_yes._"

Paris shook his sandy-haired head. "I almost had you that time," he said, giving a half-hearted little smile. Lowering the padd he held in his hands, he rubbed his chin. "Alright, ah...I know. Come with me, m'lady." He'd learned very specifically, from the incident yesterday with Crewman Nadaru not to call her "Captain." She was vicious...

With a little bow, Tom gestured down the corridor. As he walked beside her, he was a bit moved by the blank, almost emotionless expression on her face. This was so...wrong. It just wasn't the Captain.

He slowed at the dors to the holodeck. "Computer. Run Captain Janeway's Da Vinci program."

"Program active," droned the bland, female voice after a series of little chirps. Janeway looked over at him as if to ask, "What now?", and he nodded his head at the doors that slid open. Slowly, she stepped into the old fashioned workshop of a famed artist and inventor, taking a look around.

"Katarina!" boomed a voice. The man himself came down the stairs, his arms wide. Well, tecnically, a _hologram _of him. But either way it would have affected her the same. The blue grey eyes blinked at the old man, and widened as she was seized and kissed on both cheeks. She pried herself from his hold, steping back. "Who's that?" she asked Tom, wide-eyed and staring at him.

The helmsman almost grinned - almost. "Ah...Computer, delete character." Turning to her, he gave a shrug. "Master Da Vinci."

"Leonardo Da Vinci."

He blinked, doing something of a double-take. "Yes. You remembered that?"

"Yes...from something I read," she sighed. "I read up on a bit of earth history."

Tom scratched his head, a little disappointed. "I see." After a moment of chewing silently on his cheek, he led her around the workshop, watching her examine everything closely. Any minute now, something would click in her mind, she would recognize something. He hoped.

But nothing appeared to catch her attention, and she returned to his side with cocked eyebrow. "What was the point of this?" she asked him, another sigh threatening to escape.

"I just thought it might be a nice vacation spot." Tom folded his arms.

"You have a lousy sense of humor."

"You've told me that many times before," he said, smiling wryly at her. "Alright, come on. Neelix has a fun-filled tour for you. My shift is starting in about ten minutes."

"Neelix...The furry...cook?"

He failed to supress a little laugh. "That's him. Well, there's one thing that can be said. You're a very quick learner."

Jameway gave one of the half-smiles he knew so well, and he led her back into the corridor. It was a little sad to see her this way - but that was why they were all showing her things. To try and get the old Kathryn Janeway back. He couldn't deny it - he missed her quite a bit. Though Chakotay was a little more worse for the wear.

"Captain!" greeted Neelix in his usual, bouncey manner as they entered the Mess Hall. "I'm glad you're here.

She looked up at Tom with a flat, half-angry expression that clearly said "You are _not _leaving me with the rat," but he patted her on the shoulder. "Have fun, you two. And try a different name, Neelix," he chuckled, exitting to make his way to the Bridge. As he walked along the corridors, Chakotay caught up with him. "Has she made any progress yet?" he asked calmly.

"No, noth really. Neelix did succeed in making her angry again, as well as alienating her." He was smirking a bit.

The first officer shook his head. "I just hope I don't have to lock her in the brig for another assault. For Neelix's sake as well." The two stepped into the turbolift, sighing at the same time. "Bridge."

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Down girl.

Janeway: -.-

Sorry. You're a vicious animal now...Well, okay, so you always were. But now you're a past-less, vicious animal.


	3. Chapter 3

Yay, chapter three. 'Bout time I started updating these ficcies.

Janeway: It has been a while, hasn't it?

Yeps. Heehee, I like you, Kitty. You don't harass me as much as Raine and Tsume do...

Janeway: I choose to see you as a child, and therefore can't be very angry with you. Most of the time...

...That's encouraging. o.O

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It was a horrible, miserable feeling. As they walked along the corridors of the _USS Voyager, _she had the very distinct feeling that she _should _know this place. That she should be able to navigate for herself, instead of trailing like a lost puppy after the bouncey Talaxian. And yet...she didn't quite know it. She _would _be lost without someone showing her around. And that made her even angrier. She had to depend on people, because her memory had gone and gotten itself wiped by...what had happened to her, again?

Ah, yes. That glorious bump on the head. Alright, so it was a bit more than a bump...She'd cracked her skull - according to the Doctor, that Hologram - while navigating a violent ion storm on an away mission. Of course, everything she knew about the accident had been told her by outsiders. Mostly by Chakotay, who had been in the Shuttle craft with her when it had happened.

A hard jolt in the vessel had sent her tumbling to the side. Her head had made contact with the edge of a console, and then she'd just lain there. He said she'd given him quite a scare, and the Doctor had so wonderfully informed her that if they'd gotten back any later it would have been _too _late and she should be grateful to be alive.

Well...to be fair, she was mildly glad to be alive. She was grateful to Chakotay for rushing her back to _Voyager. _Bt how could that computer program, that projection of light, _possibly _understand what this was like? To look all around and see people you know you should recognize, and who obviously recognize you, but not know a single one of their names? How in the Delta Quadrant could he expect her to be happy when all those people had memories once shared with her, but now were totally one-sided?

Kathryn glanced up just in time to stop before she collided with Neelix, who had halted rather abruptly. "Where are we?" she asked quietly, joining her hands behind her back.

"Your quarters. I thought it would be best to start here, since the Doctor says you're free to sleep here from here on out." Neelix pressed a few buttons next to the doors, and they slid open.

She grimaced a little, stepping in cautiously. "How very thoughtful of him," she muttered drily. The "Captain" look a look around her living space. She ran her hands over the back of an arm chair, and had the strangest feeling of...attachment to it.

"Your favorite chair." Neelix came up to her with a little smile. "And it's not hard to see why - it looks so soft and comfortable."

"Yes. I suppose so." Kathryn moved on to the decorations in the room, things that perhaps displayed what her character was supposed to be. Paintings, small scultures. None of it meant anything to her. In fact, it only got her a little angrier _because_ she came up with nothing.

She looked up as Neelix crossed to the replicator - about which she'd learned in detail. Again, she supposed. "Coffee, black," he ordered, looking happy again. But she ignored him now, assuming the drink was for himself. So it surprised her when he came over to hand it to her instead. "Here, try this - it was always your favorite pick-me-up."

"...Thank you." She took the warm cup and raised it to her nose. That...that smell! She _knew _that smell! In an instant, she saw herself sitting at a desk with a padd in her one hand, and a cup like this one in the other. She was...talking to someone. To Chakotay. He had just said something amusing...

The image faded. She blinked in silence, her lips parted. "...Captain?" prodded the cook, evidently noticing her blank stare. "Is everything alright?"

"Y-yes. I'm fine. I just...remembered something."

"Why, that's wonderful!" beamed Neelix. He squeezed her shoulder in congratulations, and ecouragement. But she wasn't altogether convinced of how "wonderful" it was. It wasn't like that was any significant memory. She didn't know when it was - it could have been any time at all. And when it went, it left her with an empty feeling.

She now had a glimpse - a real look - into what she had been before. She had been able to joke around with Chakotay, and to know and care for this crew. But now...despite the Indian-American's words, Kathryn was even more convinced that she would never be that again. She couldn't remember anything big, and she couldn't do any of the things she used to. That memory had only served to anger her further.

"Neelix, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone for a while," she said, putting aside the drink that had caused this fall to an even lower mood than before.

"Say no more, Captain. Tomorrow, Lieutenant Torres wants to take you on a tour of Engineering." He was excited, so she decided to try and somewhat feign a return of his feelings.

"I can't wait," she said quietly, failing at her attempt. But Neelix didn't seem to notice that. He simply left her in the big, empty space with a parting smile.

Her own pathetic try at a smile faded, and she went to sit on her bed. No, Kathryn Janeway's bed. The _Captain's _bed. The lack of certain identity was still around, even after Chakotay's pep-talk, and she gazed out of the window across the room at the stars, wrappng her arms around herself. "Who am I _now_?" she asked the galaxy, softly.

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Awww, poor Kitty. So lost and alone and confused.

Janeway: Only because you made it so, dear.

Yeah, I know. But it's still sad. XD Stay tuned for another update...sometime. o.O


	4. Chapter 4

Yay, a new chapter. Finally. And this one is cute and angsty...

Janeway: I don't like the sound of that, my dear...

Hehe. I know. But you can deal with it. n.n

Janeway: -Sigh-

Heeere we go.

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As he made his way to holodeck, he pondered. What did she want him for? Kathryn had summoned him to Holodeck One, where she said she had something to show him. What that could possibly be, he wasn't sure. But Chakotay would admit to being hopeful that it related to her lost memories.

It had been over a week since that accident - and since her temper got out of control. Aside from a few very vague recognitions, nothing had come to mind. She seemed to be moving away from being Captain Kathryn Janeway, and more toward a normal woman making a new life for herself among people she had to get to know all over again. And personally, he wasn't sure he liked that at all... He would miss her too much to allow her to slip through his fingers.

The Commander walked through the doors that slid open to permit him entrance, and took a moment to examine the setting he now found himself in. It seemed to be somewhere on earth, out in the country. Farmlands dotted the landscape, and trees were sprinkled about the grassy scenery. He glanced over as he heard someone approaching, and gave a little smile to the former Captain. "You called?"

"Yes. I wanted to show you what I found." Out of the entire crew, Chakotay was the one who had by far spent the most time with her. She had grown attached to him, in a funny way. She looked to him for answers, spoke most often with _him. _Oh, she wasn't really shy with anyone. But they definately seemed to have hit it off... Again.

Now, she gently took his elbow and tugged him along through the grass. There was a house nearby, and one particularly large tree they seemed to be walking toward. A stream ran some distance behind it, at the edge of a thin forest. If she came here to relax, he could understand why. It was very peaceful. "What would that be?"

"This place..." She walked right up to the tree, letting go of his arm to put her hand on one of its branches. "I read - well, I suppose it was my profile, wasn't it? - and learned that I was born in Indiana, on Earth. So, out of curiousity, I searched through the holodeck database to see if there were any programs depicting it. This is what I found - evidently, I created this program. This...was my home, growing up."

"I see. It's a very nice place," he remarked, clasping his hands behind his back. "I can see why you like it."

"That's not all," she continued, quietly. "When I first activated it, I was a little overwhelmed. After a short tour, I almost shut it off and left again... It scared me. That I couldn't remember all of this. It was just another reminder of what I'd lost, you know? But then... I came out here. To this tree." Kathryn lifted her blue-grey gaze to into the leaves of said tree. "I wasn't even sure why, until I got right up to it."

She paused, her head tilted slightly. He watched her standing there, the summer breeze tossling her auburn hair gently. But he said nothing, letting her think. It looked like that was what she wanted. Soon, she started again.

"It didn't mean anything to me until I touched it. I know it's just a projection of light, held in a magnetic mold of sorts, so maybe it's strange. But the feeling of the smooth branches sparked something. I _remember _this tree. Nothing else, but... I do remember it. I used to sit here all the time, as a child, to think out my problems."

"Kathryn... That's great," he laughed, putting a hand to her shoulder. She looked back to give him one of her old half-smiles. "That means you're making progress in getting back everything else."

"...Maybe," she murmured. "Of course, it could also just be luck of the draw. I happened to be able to call up the memory with relative ease. This time. There's no gaurantee the rest will return."

"Kathryn..."

She shook her head, and started walking. He took the cue to fall into stride beside her. "...You miss her, don't you?"

"Her?"

"The Captain... The woman I was. You're unhappy that she's gone." She wasn't looking at him as they wandered aimlessly aout the Indiana country side.

"Of course I am. We all are - you're a vital part of this family, Kathryn. We're going to help you - this will pass. I know I speak for the entire crew when I say that we won't stop until a solution is found and things have been righted." Chakotay looked at her, his brow knitted. Her own eyes were still off toward the distance.

"...I'm a problem, then."

"What?"

"Everyone keeps saying that there's a 'solution' to this. That they'll 'help me' get back what I lost. That the Captain in me will shine again. But what if... What if it just doesn't happen, Chakotay? People will look at me differently. I won't be able to fit in, because everyone will be thinking of me as _Captain _Kathryn Janeway. Except that I won't be her anymore. From the very start, people look on me, and I can tell they don't know what to think.

"Are they supposed to treat me with respect for the authority I had? Do they treat me as an equal? Do they call me by name, or by rank? Should they talk to me like a fellow lieutenant or ensign, or as a Captain?" Kathryn shook her head. "Their confusion has me lost, too. I just want to know what I am. Not what she was, but what _I _am, right here and now."

His frown deepened. She was feeling in between again. And he knew why - the crew really wasn't certain what to make of this. "I understand," he told her softly. "But Kathryn... Right now, everyone wants you back. We respect that you can't remember, but you are much too important to us for us not to try and reverse what happened. That's why we're walking you through everything. To exhaust all possibility that our Captain will return."

Chakotay stopped, turned her to him, and lifted her chin so her eyes finally met his. "I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you to accept, to understand. And if... If you choose not to return to what you were, or if it doesn't work, then I know everyone will come to terms with it, and you'll be free to persue the life you want now."

"I do want to get my life back. I wish it had never happened. But I want to be me... Whoever that is." The woman was silent for a moment, looking down to the grass. Then she raised her hand to the one of his that held her chin. "...I don't know what all happened before between us... But I do know how I feel now. So I hope you'll forgive me."

Before the man really knew what was happening, she'd pulled him downward, and their lips had met. She'd kissed him... He allowed this to continue for a moment, as he gathered his thoughts. As much as he wanted to let this happen, as much as he wanted this relationship... He couldn't. It wasn't right. She wasn't _his _Kathryn anymore... She was still sensitive, warm. Beautiful. But she wasn't the woman he admired in silence any longer. And he was still holding onto the hope that _she _would come back. That he would have his closest friend there with him again. He could befriend this woman, but he couldn't bring himself to feel for her what he did for his Captain. He just couldn't.

Yes, he told her she was the same, that she would regain her old life. But Chakotay knew the person who'd kissed him was not the woman he'd become so very, very close with.

Gently, he seperated them, holding her arms. She blinked up at him, puzzled. "No," he murmured. "I'm sorry... But I can't. We can't."

"I don't understand... You said we were close. You've spent so much time with me, I thought--"

"I know... But this can't happen between us. Not now... You're not yourself, and it wouldn't be fair to take advantage of you like this. I can't let that happen, Kathryn." His hands moved to the sides of her head and he watched her for a minute. "Don't worry," he said, trying to change the subject. "We'll find a way to reverse it."

With that he turned, striding out of the holodeck and leaving a very confused woman standing in the farmlands of Indiana, her eyes following him. Once out and having turned a corner, he leaned against the wall of the empty corridor, closing his eyes. He had tried so hard to keep his feelings reigned in. She had said once that it couldn't happen because of their ranks. Now she kissed him... She showed her own heart.

It was funny. He had wanted something like that for a long while. And now it happened at last, but it was he who refused to allow it. It was he who said no...

Funny. And cruel.

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Wasn't that sweet? And...sad?

Janeway: ...O.o;

Come on. Everyone knows JxC is the best couple out there. And this was so sedistic... xD

Janeway: It's really no wonder your other characters hate you...

Gee. Thanks.


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